Remus and Tonks' honeymoon
by Snivellus Tobias Snape
Summary: My title is lame but it tells you all you need to know! Read and you will see...


The Honeymoon of Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks

Mad Eye Moody stumped over to the newly married Nymphadora Tonks-Lupin and Remus Lupin, who were standing in the center of a small circle of well wishers, and dropped a piece of paper into Tonks' hand. "Here's the address for Blue Cottage," he said gruffly. "In four days time, Blue Cottage becomes the official Order of the Phoenix headquarters. So enjoy your honeymoon."

An outbreak of laughter swept across the group. Tonks wondered if Mad Eye thrived on making uncomfortable situations even worse. His scarred lips seemed slightly upturned and she could almost detect a twinkle in his magical eye, which was spinning merrily.

She hugged him, hoping to convey all her thanks and appreciation to her mentor in a simple hug. He patted her back awkwardly and pulled away, looking her sternly in the eye.

"We'll have guards--"

"No you most certainly will not!" Tonks burst out. Beside her, Remus hid a grin.

"We've put a—what is it called?" Molly looked to her husband for the answer.

"Telly-phone," Arthur said proudly.

"Yes, a felly-tone," said Molly, as Arthur rolled his eyes. "We've put one in the cottage. The Ministry monitors Portkeys and Floo Networks, so we're using felly-tones to communicate. It probably won't ring, but answer it if it does."

"Okay," Remus said impatiently. "Anything else? Is there a password?"

"If anyone comes by," Mad Eye said (Remus rolled his eyes), "ask for their Patronus and middle name."

"Hey, let the lovebirds go!" Sirius had arrived, out of breath from Apparating to Grimmauld Place, with bags of rice that he handed out as he walked around the small group of Order members. He reached Remus last and, clutching his own bag of rice tightly, pulled him into a hug. He held him for a long time. Tonks noticed tears in her cousin's eyes.

"Have fun, Moony," Sirius whispered. "It couldn't have happened to a better man." He reached over and gently slugged Tonks' shoulder. "Or to a better woman, Cuz."

Wiping his tears quickly, Sirius pulled away and turned to the crowd, shouting, "Three cheers for the happy couple!"

Rice rained down on them and cheers echoed in their ears as they turned on the spot and Apparated to Blue Cottage.

"It's really pretty," Tonks commented when she had got her bearings. Before them stood a white house with blue shutters and a light blue wraparound porch.

They climbed the steps and Tonks tapped the front door with her wand. A loud crunch made her jump and suddenly Remus wasn't standing beside her anymore. She looked down to see him, with a shocked expression, standing in an enormous, jagged hole in the porch.

Tonks burst out laughing at his expression and held out her hand to help him up. He took her hand and rested his other arm on the still-intact part of the porch. Together, they wiggled him out of the hole then stood staring at the damage.

Remus pulled out his wand, muttered, "_Reparo_," then made a yellow 'X' on the spot where he'd fallen. "I'll reinforce that later," he said as they went inside.

They'd gone two steps when Tonks tripped over the bags that Molly had sent ahead for them.

"It's okay," Remus said, picking her up. His eyes shone bright as he smiled at her and carried her to the master bedroom. "You look really beautiful today."

She responded by wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him. The kiss and the excitement of the day made her giddy. She relaxed in his arms…

RIIIIIING!

They both jumped.

"What was that?" Tonks asked.

It rang again and Remus pointed. "Back doorbell, I think. I'll go see. Don't go anywhere." He placed her gently on the bed and dashed out of the room. Tonks giggled as she heard him yell, "No, Mad Eye, go away!"

She heard voices in the kitchen a few moments later. Remus must've let her in, but he didn't seem happy about it. His voice sounded strained as he said, "Believe it or not, this house isn't connected to the Floo Network."

Tonks laughed and followed their voices to the kitchen. Looking into the pantry, she saw that Molly had not stocked them with food yet. All she discovered was a dusty spider web and an old box of tea bags, and something that smelled disgusting that she didn't want to investigate.

"The porch needs to be reinforced," Remus said.

"All of it?" Mad Eye asked, his eye swirling in its socket.

"The part I fell into, of course," Remus said. "But it's a wraparound porch, so probably all of it is old wood."

"I'll see what I can do," Mad Eye said. "I'll check the tool shed back there." He pointed to a dilapidated shack behind the house.

"Not now, Mad Eye."

"Someone could get hurt, _Remus_," Mad Eye growled.

They glared at each other.

"Listen, it's nice that you'd like to fix the place before someone gets hurt," Remus said, his voice strained, "but can you let us get settled and--"

"I'm kind of hungry," Tonks said, putting her hand on Remus' back. She felt his pulse thumping through his robes and knew he was getting frustrated. "We could get some food now and Mad Eye could work on the porch while we're gone."

Remus turned to Tonks, frowning. "He doesn't need to do this now."

"We have to eat, anyway," Tonks said. She was beginning to feel dizzy from all the wine she'd drunk on an empty stomach. Rubbing her stomach, she hissed, "Let him have his way!"

"It won't take me long," Mad Eye said. "Go have a good time."

Remus opened his mouth, but Tonks shot him a don't-you-dare look. "Don't get upset. We'll go grocery shopping."

***

The fresh evening air had calmed Remus' frustration a bit. Walking hand in hand with Tonks, he allowed himself to relax and enjoy it. They had changed into Muggle clothes in order to not draw attention and were now pointing out Muggles who were dressed worse than they.

"Check out the guy with the blue hair," Tonks said quietly. The young man passed them and Tonks nodded her pink head at him. "Wotcher."

"I like that one," Remus said, pointing out an elderly man who was picking out produce at a fruit stand ahead. Hiking up his already too-short pants, the man shuffled into the store. "I think I'd dress like him if I was eighty."

Tonks giggled. Her laugh made him tingle from his ears to his toes. He looked at the large clock above the marketplace, hoping Mad Eye would be finished with the porch when they returned.

"You're looking tense again," Tonks said, smiling at him. "Have some fun. This is our honeymoon."

The problem, he realized as she rubbed his back, was that he wanted to be at home more than anything in the world, not picking through bruised apples at a fruit stand. Irritated, he brushed a fly off his face.

"Don't get angry just because Mad Eye has to fix the porch," Tonks said as she bagged some oranges. "He'll leave us alone when he's finished. Besides, we're together and that's what makes me happy."

Remus kissed her and vowed to be happier about grocery shopping. It was, after all, part of married life. "What do we need? What do you like?"

"I like take-out and when someone else cooks," Tonks said. "Let's rent Molly Weasley for the rest of our honeymoon." She laughed at his horrified expression.

"Can you imagine?" Remus said as scenes flashed through his head of Molly sitting between them on the couch, or hovering over them at mealtimes. "She'd probably bring Extendable Ears for the occasion."  
Tonks laughed and handed him a bag of fruit as she weighed some potatoes. "You should see the lingerie she got for my bridal shower, though."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Your what?"

"It's a party where a bunch of gossipy women get together and give the bride-to-be a bunch of gifts," Tonks explained. "And then you drink a lot of wine and talk about men."

Grinning, Remus opened the door for Tonks and they went inside. The store smelled sweet like pineapple and watermelon, and sunflower seeds crunched under their feet. Big wooden crates held fruits and vegetables of all sorts and a big freezer held meat and ice cream.

"What did the gossipy women talk about?"

"Hestia drank too much wine and started talking about who was cutest in the Order," Tonks said. A grocery boy offered her a shopping cart and she took it with a word of thanks. "So she thought Sirius had handsome features, but she and Molly both agreed that you have a sexy…" She hesitated. "Well, never mind what, you may have nightmares about Hestia. Let's just say she thinks you're handsome."

Remus laughed. "Who'd they decide was cutest?"

"I fought hard for you, but in the end, Charlie won because his mother was there and most everyone agreed he had the most dangerous job. And dangerous is hot."

"What about Snape?"

Tonks snorted. "Minerva agrees that he has the least sexy job of anyone."

Remus burst out laughing and a few shoppers turned to look. "No, I mean did anyone think he was good looking?"

"We put him before Mundungus and after Dumbledore." She grinned evilly. "Guess who Minerva thought was cuter than you?"

"Sirius?"

"Elphias Doge."

Remus almost choked on the grape he was sampling.

"He's cute!" Tonks said frowning. "For an eighty year old, he's in good shape. But don't worry, I voted for you."

The couple talked and laughed until Tonks had at least two weeks of groceries and Remus looked out at the dark sky and said, "Shouldn't we head back soon? If Mad Eye is still there, he'll think we've been kidnapped by Death Eaters."

"Good point," Tonks said as she started to pay. "Do you have any…money?"

Remus blinked at her. He'd completely forgotten they would need Muggle money to pay. "Um…I'll go to the Burrow and see if anyone has some. Hermione might. Or Bill, he works at the bank. I'll be right back. Will you be okay alone?"

"Um…I'll do all right," Tonks said with a touch of sarcasm.

Remus ducked out of the store and, hidden by the dark, Apparated to the Burrow. Chickens squawked and scattered as he walked.

"Remus!" Molly hurried out he door, wiping her hands on a towel. "What happened?"

"We're fine. We were shopping at a Muggle store and we don't have any money."

"Muggle money?" Arthur entered the kitchen, bright eyed. "I have some money. I don't know what they are, mind you, but…"

Remus followed Arthur to his room, where he rummaged in his drawer and pulled out a small box stuffed full of money. Remus gulped.

"Arthur, that's a lot."

"Is it?" Arthur studied it and frowned. "Well good luck to you." He placed it in Remus' hand.

"I'll pay you back," Remus said, and he filled Arthur's hands with galleons. Arthur's eyes widened at the amount.

"What's this?" Mad Eye limped into the bedroom, looking alarmed. "Were you attacked, Remus? Where's Tonks?"

"I just came to get money," Remus said. "Dora's fine. We're still shopping. How's the porch?"

"Your porch is being worked on." Mad Eye frowned at the darkening sky. "You should get back. Take good care of our girl, okay?"

Remus winked. "I will."

***

When Remus told her that the porch was being worked on, Tonks had thought Mad Eye was finished for the day and would come back later. But when they got back to Blue Cottage, wood was flying from the shed and attaching itself to the porch. Hammers banged nails into the fresh wood.

"That's annoying," Remus said after a few minutes of watching.

"But annoyingly impressive," Tonks said. She picked up a bag of groceries. "Come on, I'm starving."

Their dinner conversation was punctuated by loud bangs. Remus' jaw was clenched and Tonks watched his face grow redder.

"Shut up!" he yelled finally, clenching fistfuls of his hair.

"It's not that loud."

"It is to me." He bent next to her chair and clasped her hands in his. "Baby, let's go to a hotel."

"We can't leave," Tonks said. "You can go, I'll stay here."

Remus laughed, but he didn't sound very amused. "I'm not spending my honeymoon alone."

"You're being really whiny about this. I thought being with me was enough."

Remus dropped her hands and stared at the floor. The hammering seemed to grow louder in the silence. "I know, I'm sorry."

"Go take a shower," Tonks said. "The water will drown out the sound. I'll call Mad Eye and ask him to stop the hammering." She reached down to Remus, still on his knees on the floor, and pulled his shirt over his head. "I'm so glad you're my husband."

Remus pulled her into a kiss. She breathed in the faintly spicy smell of his cologne. His shaggy hair tickled her cheek…and hammers banged stubborn nails rhythmically into the porch.

Tonks ducked her head. "I'm sorry, but that noise is so not romantic." She yanked her wand from the pocket of her jeans and yelled, "_Obliterate!"_

The porch exploded with a bang in a huge cloud of ash. At the same moment, they were plunged into darkness and Tonks fell out of her chair. Remus' quiet laughter broke the ringing silence.

"I'm so glad you're my wife."

Once they started laughing, it was hard to stop. Tonks would get control and then, feeling Remus' body shaking, start laughing again. They laughed until Tonks' sides hurt and she lay back in Remus' lap.

"Lumos."

A wand light shone in her face. "Are you okay, sweetie?"

"I'm fine," Tonks said, "just a little afraid. I wish I hadn't done that. When I cast spells and I'm angry, they tend to go overboard."

Remus grinned at her, his face illuminated by his wand. "You chose the wrong spell."

"Look who's talking, you were ready to _Avada Kedavra _it a few minutes ago."

"It's quiet now."

"And dark."

"Are you afraid of the dark?"

"Not with you here to protect me."

Remus smiled and stroked her hair. "Well in that case, I'll go figure out how to turn it back on."

Disappointed, Tonks sat up. "I'll be in bed, so if you can't figure out how to turn it on, just stumble in and find me."

"Here," he said, passing her his glowing wand. "It'll just take me a second."

But lying in bed, for what seemed like an hour, she thought back to just a few hours before when she became a blissfully happy newlywed and how she'd give anything to have Remus snuggled next to her instead of stumbling around in the dark trying to fix the electricity…

And then the phone jolted her out of a deep sleep. Sunlight streamed through a chink in the curtains and Remus lay on his stomach next to her, sleeping soundly.

Tonks picked up the phone and mumbled, "Hello?"

"Hello!" said a chirpy voice that Tonks didn't recognize. "This is Stephanie!"

"Who?"  
"Oh." Stephanie paused for a moment. "I'm sorry, who is this?"

"Nymphadora Tonks—I mean, Lupin. I just got married yesterday."

"Congratulations!" Stephanie squealed. Tonks pulled the phone away from her ear quickly and winced. "No, I don't know you, but that's exciting. Sorry to bother you on your honeymoon."

"You're not ruining much, to be honest." Tonks watched Remus stir in his sleep and blink groggily. "On the upside, since the phone rang, I guess our electricity is back on."

Stephanie laughed, a high, twittery laugh. "Well have fun, girl. Sorry to bother you."

"Who are you talking to?" Remus asked hoarsely.

Tonks covered the mouthpiece. "A Muggle named Stephanie."

"Tell the lucky man congratulations from me," Stephanie said.

"I will." Tonks giggled and hung up. Remus was staring at her, looking baffled.

"Huh?"

"Never mind." Tonks snuggled into his arms. "You were great last night, the way you--" She grinned slyly at him. "Oh wait, that was just a dream."

"I'm sorry," Remus said, relaxing against her and stroking her hair. "It took me longer than I expected. I finally got it and I tried to shake you awake, but you wouldn't wake up."

They lay in silence for a while. Tonks didn't want to move. She felt blissfully happy again. She never though Remus Lupin would be lying in bed next to her, holding her and stroking her hair.

"Don't fall asleep again," Remus mumbled.

"I'm not," Tonks murmured sleepily.

***

The phone rang. Remus jolted awake and leaned across his sleeping bride to answer it. "Hello?"

"This is Severus Snape," came the cold voice on the other end of the line. "Difficult as it is for me to ruin your happy honeymoon, there's a mandatory meeting tonight to discuss how to best move Harry Potter from his aunt and uncle's house."

"Okay." Remus pulled on some shorts, padded into the living room, and collapsed on the couch, his arm over his head.

"Not that I care, but certain Order members are highly curious about your honeymoon. Is it going well?"

There was such a long pause that Snape said, "Hello?"

"Tell Sirius," Remus said calmly, "that it's going fine."

"Is it really?" Snape said. Despite Snape's former comment, Remus thought he sounded awfully interested.

Remus sighed. "It would be, I suppose, if people would stop calling and showing up unexpectedly. And then last night, Dora _Avada Kedavra'd_ a porch and it took me half the night to fix the electricity after the power went out."

"I'm sorry," Snape said, and he sounded genuine. "But if people keep showing up, I know how to fix that."

"We locked the door. They just keep knocking. Or calling."

"You're not very creative, Lupin," Snape said, disappointment in his voice. "I always thought you were a most creative professor at Hogwarts."

Something like pride glowed in Remus' chest. "Thank you, Severus."

"You forget, however," Snape continued, "I've taught at Hogwarts fifteen years to your one, and I'm a Slytherin Head of House."

"What do you mean?"

Snape sighed. There was silence on the other end, then Snape said, slightly more quietly, "I'm surrounded by teenaged boys all the time, Lupin. You don't know how many times I've seen them sneaking out of the dormitories, or caught them in the astronomy tower…or in an empty classroom…"

"Okay." Remus grinned. "I get it now. But I think people will stop visiting—and calling—and leave us alone. If not, we can go to a hotel."

"My offer still stands," Snape said. "Why would you go to a hotel when the whole of Hogwarts is open to you?"

His frustration seemed to melt away as he laughed. "You're amazing."

"Don't let Nymphadora hear you say that," Snape said. Remus thought he heard a smile in his voice.

"I trust you won't tell anyone about this," Remus said quickly. "We'll fix the porch before Mad Eye knows about it."

"Fixing a porch. Hmm…well, it's your honeymoon."

"Dora just woke up, Sev, I need to go." He smiled at her standing in the doorway.

"I'll try to keep visitors away," Snape said. Remus thought he heard laughter, but before he could register the thought, the phone clicked.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep again," Tonks said, yawning.

Remus patted the couch next to him and she lay down next to him and snuggled under his arm.

"It's all right, I know you were under a lot of stress yesterday."

Tonks nodded. "Did you think our wedding was beautiful?"

"I wasn't looking at anything but you, honestly," Remus said, tears springing to his eyes. Embarrassed, he raised his hand to surreptitiously wipe them away, but Tonks was beaming at him.

"That is incredibly romantic of you, handsome." She leaned over him and kissed him, and all he could think of was her and how beautiful she looked and how wonderful she smelled…

"Remus."

…and how warm her body felt against his…

"Remus!"

And then the ringing phone finally broke through his thoughts of her. She repeated his name.

"Yeah, I should answer that," Remus said bitterly.

"I just wanted your permission to chuck it out the window," Tonks said, grabbing his shoulders and staring fiercely into his face. "You're lying here practically naked, and we're on our honeymoon, and I really want to snog you and you want to answer the phone?"

"It's not my fault, Dora." The phone seemed to vibrate through his skull. "We're not Muggles, we can't ignore it. It's someone from the Order. Just hand it to me."

Tonks dropped the phone into his hand and lay against his chest, stroking it gently. "Make it quick."

"Hello?" Remus snapped.

"Remus." Snape's voice sounded rushed. "The meeting starts at five, followed by dinner. If you and your virgin bride want to come to dinner, it's at six."

"Mmm hmm," Remus said. He could barely breathe. Tonks' gentle strokes felt really good.

"And if you're coming to dinner, if you could--"

"Yeah," Remus interrupted. "Listen, Severus, you have to let me go right now."

"Got it. Bye, Remus."

"Thanks." Remus pressed a button to hang up and tossed the phone on the floor. Before Tonks could speak, he pulled her into a deep kiss. Euphoria pounded through his veins. If he had ever been this happy before, he didn't recall it. All other thoughts shoved from his mind, he could only focus on how she filled his senses.

She made a sudden jerky movement and he opened his eyes.

"A fly," she said, and bent to kiss him again.

She was tickling his forehead…no, a fly had landed there. He swatted it away. Another one was buzzing in his ears. Ignoring it, he slid his hands to her shoulders and felt the straps of the satiny gown she was wearing. She made another jerky movement.

"Does it seem to you," Remus said as he pulled himself to a sitting position, "that there's a ridiculous amount of flies in here?"

Tonks sighed and got to her feet. "Good job, Remus. If that's all you've got, I'm going to eat lunch."

"Sweetie--"

"Call Severus and tell him about it," she snapped. She yanked open the cabinet door and screamed.

His heart racing, Remus ran to the kitchen to see a stomach-turning sight of flies and maggots and little brown bugs all over the food they had bought.

Tonks burst into tears. "I hate this honeymoon! Why don't we just give up and stay at Grimmauld Place with Sirius? It's bound to be better than this place."

Remus' heart ached to see her cry. He wrapped his arms around her. "I wish I could give you--"

"It's not your fault, you're trying, too," Tonks sobbed. "It's the stupid porch, and Moody, and that blasted Muggle and Snape calling, and the darkness and the maggots! And it's almost that time of the month."

"_My _time of the month?"

"No." Tonks giggled through her tears. "Mine, because we planned the wedding to accommodate _your_ time of the month. You can blame it on PMS, but this is a rotten honeymoon."

"Do you want to go to Hogwarts?"

Tonks looked up at him blankly. "Why?"

Blushing, Remus shrugged. "It was Severus' idea to get away from this cursed cottage."

"We could," Tonks said unenthusiastically. "I'm really hungry, though. Let's get dressed and we can go eat something besides maggots."

***

Miserably, they dressed in their robes and Apparated to a restaurant where Tonks had been often. The door jingled as they walked inside.

"Dora!" Her friend Allie, a waitress at the café, spotted her and gave her a hug. "What are you up to?"

"This is my husband, Remus Lupin," Tonks said, unable to keep from smiling at the word 'husband'.

Allie squealed as she shook Remus' hand. "Remus, you have no idea how much I've wanted to meet you. When did you two get married?"  
"Yesterday," Tonks said.

Allie looked at her funny and she realized she'd been frowning. She hitched on a smile quickly.

"Is this your honeymoon, then?"

"It is, but we're staying in a cottage that's falling down around us," Tonks said. "We've been having to make repairs."

"Aww." Allie hugged Tonks and reached past her to pat Remus' arm. "It'll get better." She gave Tonks' back a final pat and grabbed Remus' hands. "The reason I've been dying to meet you is because I met Dora last year when she was pining after a certain werewolf and I sympathized with her because my husband, Davis Hemmings--"

"—is also a werewolf," Remus finished for her. "I've met him before."

"He wrote Wanderings with Werewolves, which Gilderoy Lockhart stole from him," Allie said, clenching Remus' hands tighter. "But he's written other books that haven't been plagiarized."

"You must be proud of him," Remus said.

Allie beamed and let go of his hands. "I am. Congratulations on your marriage. That's exciting."

"Thanks," Tonks said as she and Remus followed her to a booth in the corner.

Once they had their food, they spent a few minutes enjoying it before their conversation turned to housing.

"You're still living at Grimmauld Place?" Tonks said.

Remus nodded. "You're not still living at that flat, are you?"

"No," Tonks said. "I moved out a month ago and lived with my parents up until now. All my things are still there. When is Blair Place going to be ready for us to move in?"

"Two more weeks," Remus said. "Otherwise we'd be out of Blue Cottage today."

"It's not so bad there," Tonks said. Food had a way of making her look on the bright side of things. "We still need to clean out the cabinets, though," she added with a shudder. Her pancakes suddenly looked a lot less appetizing. Raising her water glass in a toast, she said, "To the worst honeymoon with the best man possible."

"Cheers," Remus said and they clinked water glasses.

"Didn't you say something about going to Hogwarts earlier?" Tonks asked after she had taken a sip. "Because I know Snape has dragon hide gloves and if it's okay with him, I could borrow them to clean the cabinets and you could do…whatever it was you wanted to do at Hogwarts."

Remus inhaled his water up his nose and started to cough. "That's okay," he said in between coughs. He cleared his throat and said hoarsely, "But do we really need dragon hide gloves? They're just tiny bugs."

Her glare answered his question.

***

It wasn't quite what Remus, or Snape, for that matter, had in mind to do at Hogwarts, but the walk from the Apparation point to Hogwarts was pleasant enough. Summer was already drawing to a close and brown leaves had started to fall from the trees. There was a hint of chill to come in the air. The wind rippled the surface of Hogwarts Lake and ruffled their hair as they reached the gate.

Remus tapped the gate and the iron chain slithered to the ground with a noisy clang.

"How did you open that? It never works when I've tried."

"Only professors can open it," Remus said as they passed through the gate and walked a familiar path to the castle.

"Do you miss teaching?"

Remus swallowed. "So much. I was Professor of Dark Arts Defense and Research for five years at Durmstrang Graduate School, which was a fancy title for reading a lot of dull books and writing reports on them. That was boring work. Teaching at Hogwarts was fun."

"It sounds fun," Tonks said. "But Defense teachers always are. My sixth year Defense teacher was crazy. He died of poisoning at the end of the year and they never found out if it was suicide or an accident, or someone poisoned him. He was so paranoid, he probably poisoned himself so no one else would do it."

Remus laughed and tapped the front doors with his wand. They slowly creaked open. He and Tonks crept along the quiet, dark corridors and down the stone steps to the dungeon.

"This feels familiar, creeping around the castle in the dark," Tonks said.

They reached the bottom step and found the doors to Snape's classroom standing open.

"Hello?" Remus called.

He heard echoing footsteps, then Snape's greasy head appeared around the corner. His lips twitched ever so slightly. "Were you looking for me?" he asked. His hands were full of folders bulging with papers. He looked very busy.

"I wanted to borrow your dragon hide gloves," Tonks said.

To his credit, Snape looked near to bursting with curiosity but he handed them over without asking why. "Would you like two sets?"

"No," Remus said at the same time Tonks said, "Yes."

"I don't need gloves, I'm not squeamish," Remus said.

"I'm not touching you if you don't wear gloves." Tonks sighed. "Fine, just scrub your hands afterward."

Snape's eyes nearly popped out of his head, but when Remus turned to him, his expression was blank.

"We have a bug problem so we need to clean out the house," Remus said.

"Ah," Snape said, his eyes narrowing as though he did not believe him at all. "Have you just been walking the corridors, then, reliving old times?"

"Something like that," Remus said, and he turned to go back up the steps before Snape asked any more nosy questions.

"Gryffindor tower is open if you'd like to go see your old place of residence, Remus," Snape said, smirking. There was a definite gleam in his eye. "And so is Detention Hall if, again, you'd like to see your old place of residence."

"Thank you," Remus said firmly, in a tone that quelled Snape's comments.

***

Cleaning the cabinets wasn't the best honeymoon activity Tonks could think of, but it also wasn't the worst, either. Now that she'd had lunch, her outlook wasn't quite so dire. Remus seemed happier, too. He'd been smiling since he'd shown Tonks the classroom where he used to teach (even though she'd seen it before as a student), and his mood seemed greatly improved after they spent a while sitting by the lake and feeding bits of bread to the giant squid. He was still happy, and he didn't seem to mind touching the maggots with his bare hands. Tonks, protected with the best dragon hide gloves money could buy, lugged a trashcan into the kitchen and together they chucked food into it.

"Did you ever play Quidditch?" Remus asked as she tossed an apple across the kitchen into the trashcan.

"No. Did you?"

"I was busy with other…pursuits," Remus said, his head buried in the cabinet.

"You mean you couldn't play because you were a werewolf and that might have conflicted with the games?"

"No." Remus tossed a box of old teabags into the trash. "I was involved in the Gobstones club."

"Really?" Tonks squealed. "Me too!"

They high-fived, laughing.

"I can't believe someone else would admit that," Remus said, chuckling appreciatively. "James and Peter used to tease me to no end about it. I think Sirius was jealous a little bit."

"Yeah, because everyone's jealous of people who play Gobstones instead of Quidditch," Tonks said, rolling her eyes.

"No, it was when Severus and I were friends. We met on the team and I'd been friends with Sirius since our first year. Sirius was jealous, I think, because he wanted to be friends with me but he had a rivalry with Severus that he wasn't able to put past him."

"What happened with you and Snape?"

Remus paused, his hand on the trashcan. "First, James played a trick on him and I almost attacked him. After that, he was afraid of me and angry because he thought it was my idea. Sirius hated Severus, too, and Peter went along with them. I wish that when I was fourteen, I could've had the wisdom I have now. We all do stupid things when we're young and we outgrow our stupidity."

Tonks paused in the middle of throwing bread away. She lowered her arm. "Do you think I'm too young?"

Remus smiled. "For me? I married you, didn't I?"

The worry must've shown on her face. He continued, "I think that when I'm forty and you're thirty, we'll realize we have a lot more wisdom then. You're young, but I don't think you're stupid at all. I think you're very intelligent, very funny, mature—"

"I'd hug you for that, but your hands are covered in maggots and bugs."

"So what do you like about me?" he asked, winking at her. "Or better yet, what does Hestia like?"

"Why do you keep bringing up Hestia? She's over twenty years older than you, and besides, you're married."

"I'm curious what she thinks is sexy about me."

Tonks grinned, thinking back to the conversation at the bridal shower. "Your arms."  
"Huh?"

Tonks snapped her dragon-hide covered fingers at him. "Get busy! You've been standing there for five minutes yakking. Start throwing out things in the freezer, they probably went bad last night when the electricity went out."

The lights flickered above them. Remus opened the freezer and pulled out a steak that Tonks had impulsively bought last night when she'd decided to learn how to cook. "No, it smells really good. Better than those poor dead rats we found in the cabinet. Besides, I want to know what about my arms is sexy to sixty-year-old women."

"She said that one time she fainted during an Order meeting and you carried her to the couch to recover and your arms were really strong and muscular."

"Compared to her little stick arms, maybe," he said.

Tonks winked at him. "I wish your muscular arms were around me instead of that steak."

Remus laughed. Tonks smiled. She loved the way he laughed, softly and almost politely at first, then full out laughter when his body shook and his face turned pink.

"I'm not throwing this steak away, because we paid for it and it tastes fine."

Tonks gagged and turned away from him. "If you eat that raw meat in front of me, I will throw up."

"Oh come on, 'rare' is just another way of saying 'raw'."

"I may regret asking this, but what do werewolves normally eat?"

"If you're disgusted by bugs and dead rats in the cabinet, you really don't want to know."

"I'll probably never want to kiss you again, that's for sure." She peeked in the cabinet and saw, with relief, that it was empty.

***

Tonks wiped sweat from her forehead. Even after working hard, she still looked beautiful to Remus.

"I'm going to take a shower," Tonks said.

The singular pronoun seemed to indicate Remus was not invited. He wasn't surprised, as disgusted as she was over him refusing to wear the dragon hide gloves. Thinking back, he realized he ought to have listened to her warning that she wouldn't touch him if he touched the bugs bare handed, but he had only been concerned about not looking like a sissy in front of her.

"Did you want to go to dinner at Grimmauld Place?" he asked.

Tonks had paused in the doorway and was looking at him with a funny expression on her face. Or it could have been because the lights were flickering on and off again.

"What is it?"

"I'm really proud of the way you deal with setbacks," she said, beaming at him. "You act like it's normal to clean cabinets and go to dinner meetings on your honeymoon. I want it to be better, and it will be, I promise, but I feel really disgusting right now."

"It's okay," Remus said, turning to put the steak in the freezer. "I'll take a shower too and everything will seem not as…"

_Horrible _was a fitting word, but he couldn't say it after she'd praised him for dealing with problems so well. The truth was, he was miserable. He was dying to be with her, and she always seemed to flit away to talk to Mad Eye or to clean cabinets or to get food in a crowded restaurant when he needed her. They were alone now, but ideally he would not be standing in the kitchen unhappy and pretending to put a steak back in the freezer while she stood ten feet away from him.

And he heard his father's voice admonishing, _You never tell people what you need, you expect them to read minds_.

Remus shut the freezer door and turned, intending to tell her that he needed some physical contact, apparently more than she did, and that normal people didn't take his-and-hers showers on their honeymoon, and that even Snape thought they were having more fun with the dragon hide gloves than just cleaning maggoty fruit and vegetables from a cabinet.

But she was gone.

He dragged the trashcan outside and kicked it hard, swearing and yelling at it until he was exhausted. He kicked up ash as he stormed up the destroyed porch and into the house. Tearing his robes off, he climbed into the other shower. He expected the water to come out rusty and dirty, but it was clean and came out of the nozzle hot. One thing worked out right on this honeymoon…except for the fact that he was alone again.

He had nearly finished his shower when he heard the phone ringing faintly from the living room. Dripping wet (he'd forgotten a towel in his rage), he ran to the phone and barked, "Hello?"

"Molly Weasley here." She sounded nervous and Remus realized he must have scared her.

"I'm sorry," he said. "What is it?"

"I was calling to see if you need any food, dear."

"We had some, but we had a bug problem so we had to throw it out."

"Should I bring more?"

"I don't think so, Molly," Remus said. "It's all right. If the bugs come back, we'll have to throw out more food and honestly, it's not really that fun." The bathroom door creaked open and Tonks came out, a towel wrapped around her. She smiled at Remus and disappeared into the bathroom again.

Molly made a sympathetic noise. "At least come to dinner tonight. Severus called you about the meeting?"

"Yes."

"Try to make it if you can."

Remus blinked. "What? It's not mandatory?"

"It is, but…we understand if you can't come. It's an awfully short time to have a honeymoon, and then to have extra people move in with you in two days time."

"It's just that--" He stopped short, distracted. Tonks had returned with a towel and was rubbing his hair dry. "Uh…that I don't think this place will be ready for all the people. If we can't keep food in the cabinets without bugs coming…I think--" Tonks was rubbing his shoulders with the towel now. "Um…I think Lockhart wrote some household book on how to get rid of flies and bugs and things, but…uh…um…what was I saying?"

"We'll talk about it tonight if you're there," Molly said. "Goodbye, dear."

Remus hung up the phone and turned to Tonks, but she was already halfway across the room. "Where's my wand? I need to dry my hair."

Remus blinked at her in confusion as she went into the bathroom, picked up her wand, and charmed it to blow warm air. "Do you really need to dry your hair right now?" he said, but she didn't seem to hear him.

A fly buzzed past him and landed on the curtains. With a yell of rage, he grabbed his wand from the coffee table and blasted a jet of blue light at the fly. Moments later, the curtains burst into flames. He watched in shock as the fire licked the bottom half of the curtains and made its way up toward the ceiling.

Tonks ran into the living room and grabbed him by the shoulders. Her mouth hung open as though she didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "What are you _doing_?" she screamed.

Her touch had knocked some sense back into him. He shook her off and sent a stream of water to put out the flame. Breathing hard, he stared at the blackened curtains. The fly was gone...

"You're acting insane! What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong with me," Remus yelled, "I'm just sick of every *** thing breaking in this house!"

Tonks laughed incredulously. "You set the curtains on fire!"

He glared fiercely at her, anger pulsing through his veins. Tossing up his hands, he stalked to the bedroom. "I'm going for a walk."

"What is _wrong_ with you? You're running around naked and setting curtains on fire and acting like a deranged--"

"I'm getting dressed," he snapped as he yanked clothes from his suitcase and threw them onto the floor. "No need to be without clothes on your honeymoon."

Tonks stood in the doorway as Remus finished snapping his robes closed and turned with an anger he had rarely felt before. He felt like a snarling, raging maniac and, by the look on her face, he probably resembled one, too. She jumped back as he stalked past her into the living room.

"I'll be back for the meeting," he said and slammed the front door.

He couldn't understand where this rage was coming from. He yanked out his wand and blasted leaves out of some bushes along the sidewalk.

After he'd walked for a long time and calmed down a bit, he realized he wasn't ready to go back to the cottage. He wasn't angry with Tonks, but something about that house sent him into a spiral. He closed his eyes and Apparated to Diagon Alley.

The colorful row of shops lifted his spirits as he walked. He had enjoyed the shops more as a teacher than as a student. Walking past Flourish and Blotts sent the same uneasy getting-ready-for-school quiver into his stomach. He turned a corner and bumped into Fred Weasley.

"Remus Lupin!" Fred looked past him as though expecting to see Tonks with him. "Come to buy the latest Weasley merchandise?"

"Not exactly," Remus said, but he followed Fred into the joke shop. A stack of headless hats wobbled in a display at the front of the store. "Enjoy the shop!" he called over his shoulder and he hurried to the front counter to tend to a smiling customer with an armful of products.

"Hallo, Remus!" A young woman with silvery blond hair waved at him. Remus recognized Fleur, Bill's wife, from the few dinners at the Weasley's house.

"Hi, Fleur."

She crossed the store in a graceful motion and clasped his hands. "I am so 'appy for you to be married to zat beautiful Tonks. I 'ave always said you vere perfect for one another."

He forced a smile.

"But she must be vith you, surely."

"No, she's…" He didn't know why he was telling Fleur this, except that it was easier than talking to people who actually cared about him, like Molly Weasley, or Mad Eye, or Sirius. "We're not having a very good honeymoon. We're staying at this horrible cottage and everything is falling apart."

"Bill and I 'ad a bad 'oneymoon, too," Fleur said sympathetically. " 'e 'as a very nosy family."

"You didn't get any privacy, either?"

Fleur laughed, a delicate tinkling laugh. "It vill get better, Remus."

"I don't know," Remus said, dropping his gaze to the floor. "Bill didn't…he didn't yell at you, did he? Or do something that you thought was crazy?"

"Being newly married eez very emotional," Fleur said. "People get angry and frustrated and zey say things zey don't mean. Bill broke a vedding gift that ve both 'ated, but 'e yelled at me because 'is mother gave it to 'im."

Despite himself, Remus laughed. It sounded most familiar.

"You love her or you vouldn't 'ave married her."

"Thank you, Fleur." Her advice had cheered him immensely. He knew he still loved Tonks. She was more important to him than the little problems they were having. He took a deep breath and mentally prepared himself to return to Blue Cottage.

"Ze Order meeting starts in a little while," Fleur said. "Ve are closing ze store soon if you vant to buy anything. Vant a love potion?"

Remus laughed. "No thank you." Feeling much happier, he turned and walked out of the store and strolled past the remainder of Diagon Alley's shops before Apparating back to Blue Cottage.

***

After dissolving into a puddle of tears when Remus left, Tonks finished drying her hair and dressed in silvery blue robes for the meeting. She wasn't sure she would be able to sit in the meeting with Remus tonight without crying. She definitely couldn't sit at dinner and carry on friendly, chatty conversations with other people, not in the mood she was in now.

She screwed her face in concentration and changed her hair to pink, wishing she could change her mood as easily as she changed her hair.

Someone knocked on the door and, before she said anything, the voice called out, "I'm Remus John Lupin, the idiot who left the house mad, and my Patronus is a bat."

Her jaw clenched, Tonks opened the door and waited for him to speak first. He stood staring at her for a few moments.

"I'm sorry, Dora. I'm not mad at you, I just hate this blasted house."

"Why did you set the curtains on fire?" Tonks asked, her hands clenched by her sides. "You're really starting to scare me."

"I was trying to get rid of a fly," Remus said. "Sweetie, it's the second day of our honeymoon and it feels like it's practically over, and I don't want to waste time arguing and getting upset over stupid things. And I'm sorry I scared you."

"Okay." Tonks reached out and rubbed his arm. "You should wear your green robes tonight. They look really good on you."

***

A little while later, the not so happy couple grabbed Snape's dragon hide gloves and Apparated to Grimmauld Place.

"Remus!" Sirius hurtled toward them the moment they entered. "Tonks, you look beautiful tonight. So do you, Moony, very sexy."

Tonks nudged him. "Told you."

"Speaking of sexy--"

"Speaking of obnoxious--" Remus interrupted. "Hey, isn't there a meeting in progress?"

Sirius sighed and looked disappointed. "Fine, come on." He nudged Remus as they walked. "You've been so quiet, no one's heard from you since you left yesterday."

That wasn't entirely true, but Remus knew Snape and Fleur didn't regularly share gossip with Sirius and the rest of the Order. "The honeymoon is going fine and that's all I'm saying."

Everyone was talking, but the conversations faded away as Remus and Tonks walked into the room. Snape was wearing a sympathetic expression that looked oddly out of place among the other beaming faces.

"Is the porch fixed?" Mad Eye asked, stumping over to Remus.

Remus looked at Tonks in panic and she appeared at his side. "Hi, Mad Eye. How are things at the office?"

Sighing in relief, Remus allowed Sirius to drag him to an empty chair. He saw Snape winding through the other chairs, making his way to Remus' chair. Ignoring Sirius completely, Snape sat in the other chair next to Remus. "How are--?"

"Here are your gloves," Remus interrupted, pulling them from his pocket before Snape could ask nosy questions in front of Sirius. He didn't know why, but it seemed important to him that Sirius not know what a bad time they were having. He didn't care that Snape knew; he and Snape hardly ever spoke to each other if they could help it.

Tonks had finished distracting Mad Eye from asking about the porch, and she came up beside Snape. "How's it going, Prof?" she said, rubbing his shoulders. Remus grinned at the look of shock on Snape's face. As quickly as Snape bolted, Remus felt sure he must have Apparated across the room. Tonks sat in the vacated chair beside Remus, grinning slightly.

It was a very uncomfortable two minutes before Arthur Weasley called the meeting to order. Once they started, Tonks began taking notes and Remus concentrated on organizing the guard duty schedule. He moved his own name, flashing yellow, to the first week of September and whispered to Tonks, "Do you want guard duty with me, nine pm to two am?"

She gave him a withering glare that held just a hint of an amused smile. "Okay, sure."

Remus tapped her name with his wand and moved it to the first week, sending Arthur Weasley's name to the two-to-seven shift. An error message flashed on the edge of the paper. Arthur had already been assigned to guard Hogsmeade from nine to two. He looked up at Arthur, who had launched into a discussion of his work at the ministry, and moved his own name to the second week. Another error message popped up, this time informing him that week two was the week of the full moon. He groaned and stuffed the schedule under his chair, leaning back to pay attention to Arthur.

But Arthur sat down to some weak applause and Elphias Doge stood to speak about his job of guarding the Dursley house. Remus normally fell asleep when Elphias talked. Already yawning, he pulled the schedule back out and concentrated on rearranging the names so that everyone would be happy.

Dumbledore's voice broke him out of his concentration a little while later. "Molly Weasley has prepared a wonderful meal and those of you who are staying can follow your nose to the dining room."

The group broke into chatter. Remus duplicated his schedule and handed them out to everyone as they passed through the doorway.

"That's okay," Tonks said as he started to hand her a schedule, "I'll share with my husband."

Remus smiled. "Sure. I'll see you at dinner. Will you save me a chair?"

"I might," Tonks said and she walked through the doorway with Minerva McGonagall.

Snape was the last to leave the room. He put his hand on Remus' shoulder, awkwardly, as though he had never done so in his lifetime. "You look miserable," he said sourly. His empathy seemed to be competing with his negative disposition. The effect came out a little odd, but Remus appreciated it all the same.

"You noticed," Remus said. "Practicing Occlumency on me?"

Snape smirked. "I don't need Occlumency to see you slumped in your seat ignoring everyone. Did you enjoy Hogwarts?"

"I suppose," Remus said, warmed that someone else understood. He didn't understand himself sometimes. Snape used to nettle him when he was a teacher at Hogwarts but now, suddenly, he found a compassionate soul not in his best friend, but in the same man who got him fired at Hogwarts.

Snape smirked again. "Hmm. Is your porch fixed?"

"It is if you avoid the back part and jump over the hole in the front."

Snape gave him a smile that actually showed his teeth. His smile faded as quickly as it had come. Remus turned to see Sirius in the doorway. Both Snape's and Sirius' faces darkened at the sight of one another.

"Are you coming, Moony?"

"In a minute," Remus said. He turned to Snape. "I hope you'll stay."

Snape and Sirius glared at each other for a moment. Finally, Snape looked away and turned his glittering black eyes on Remus. "No," he said quietly, "I don't think I will. Thanks all the same for your hospitality." He brushed past Sirius without a word. Remus waited until the front door slammed before turning on Sirius.

"I wish you wouldn't treat him like that," Remus snapped. "It's been almost twenty years since you left school. Can't you just stop it?"

"What's wrong with you, Remus? You used to hate him just as much as James and I did."

"That was a long time ago," Remus said, striding past Sirius and calling over his shoulder, "Dumbledore likes him."

Sirius jogged after him. "Dumbledore is just a touch mental."

"You judge people too much," Remus said.

Sirius called him a name that Remus should've slugged him for, but he was weary of fighting with his best friend, of being rude to Tonks, of always being on the verge of frustration.

"Don't call me that, okay?" Remus sighed. "Listen, you're my best friend, just don't mess with Snape in front of me."

"It's only fun with witnesses…"

They stopped outside the dining room door.

"Sorry for calling you that, mate," Sirius said.

"It's fine," Remus said and he pushed open the door. The dining room was filled with chatter and the clink of plates and dishes. Remus looked around and, pleased that Tonks had actually saved him a seat, squeezed in between her and Ginny.

"When do you go back to work?" Ginny was asking Tonks.

"Wednesday," Tonks said, ladling a plate of stew for Remus.

Ginny's eyes brightened. "If you don't mind, Dumbledore asked us to start shadowing careers we'd like to have…"

Tonks clapped her hands. "Wonderful! Do you want to start this week or wait until school starts in September?"

"The sooner the better," Ginny said. "He gave us the assignment in June."

"Sure, you can come anytime!" Tonks said. "I remember that. I shadowed Mad Eye Moody and he ended up being my mentor when I graduated from Hogwarts." She turned to Remus. "What career did you want?"

"I wanted to be a Healer," Remus said. "I liked it, but it obviously didn't work out. My grades weren't good enough."

"I'm a little worried about my grades, too," Ginny said.

Tonks winked and lowered her voice, looking around to see who might be listening before continuing. "If it's Potions, just ask Snape if you can prepare ingredients for extra credit. He's a softie for things like that. That's how I got into my sixth year class."

Tonks placed a steaming plate of stew in front of Remus. He smiled gratefully and started to eat. He hadn't realized how hungry he was until now, but he finished it quickly. Too tired for polite conversation, he listened to the conversations around him. Hermione and Ron were arguing as usual.

"It's not the _Harkies_, it's the Holyhead _Harpies._"

"Whatever, I still think your sister would be a good professional Quidditch player."

Ron snorted. "If she's ever been on a broomstick in her life…"

Looking across the table, he saw Mundungus, Fred, and George bent over the guard duty schedule.

"I'm scheduled from four to nine for two weeks in a row," Mundungus grumbled. "Why's he always put me on those same weeks, that's what I want to know." He looked up and saw Remus across the table. With an oily smile, he hunched back over the schedule and spoke in a lower voice so that Remus couldn't hear.

Tonks' plate was empty and she was laughing and talking with Ginny. Noticing Remus watching her, she stopped and looked at him. "Are you ready to go?"

"If you are."

Tonks nodded and stood. "I'll see you on Monday, Ginny."

The couple had difficulty leaving because as they passed each person at the table, everyone had some advice for them, or a bit of information, or just wanted to say goodbye.

Mad Eye informed them: "There's another stack of fresh wood behind the shed."

"Come by and actually buy something next time," came the sarcastic comment from a smirking Fred Weasley.

"Just relax and don't worry about anything for the next few days," said Molly Weasley.

And Minerva whispered something to Tonks that Remus didn't hear, but they both smiled. Remus had a feeling that, despite their best intentions, word was leaking out that their honeymoon wasn't exactly a blissful, relaxing event.

***

"Do you want to go back to that *** cottage tonight?" Remus growled when they reached the secluded Apparation point past Grimmauld Place.

"Remus, shut up!" Tonks yelled. "I know you're frustrated and tense, even Minerva noticed. It would be a whole lot sexier if you just said you want me and I drive you wild with lust!"

Remus gaped at her. "What? How did--?"

"We're on our honeymoon, idiot!" Tonks raged, her hands flying wildly as she spoke. "Of course I know you don't want to spend your time fixing a porch and cleaning a cabinet, but you're too proud to tell me that you need me. You're pretending that you don't care but yet you care so much that even an old lady who hasn't had sex in probably thirty years can tell how frustrated you are, but you won't tell me and that's what's so aggravating!"

Remus blinked at her. Fear showed on his face. He looked like a scared, trapped animal with nowhere to run.

"You told Sirius the honeymoon was going fine, and maybe he believed it, but Molly Weasley can tell it's not and so can Minerva, and even Snape kept staring into my eyes like he was performing Occlumency on me, probably to make sure my husband's taking good care of me. And when Snape cares, the whole world's gone mad." Tonks was babbling now. "Any thoughts?" she added and covered her mouth with her hand before she could go off again.

"You're absolutely right," Remus said, breathing deeply. His shoulders relaxed. "And I'm really stubborn and I'm sorry I didn't say anything, but that's the way most men are."

"I don't want to be married to someone who's too afraid to tell his wife what he wants," Tonks said, wrapping her arms around him. "Enough with the lame excuses from both of us. We don't have to answer the phone. Who expects us to answer the phone on our honeymoon? That's stupid."

"The porch doesn't matter, at least not until Mad Eye sees it in two days and flies off the handle," Remus mumbled into her hair. "And then you can blame me."

"If the bugs are back, we can sleep outside, it's not like the neighbors can see us anyway."

"Now that the problems of the world are solved, can we please go back to the cottage?"

"Why?" Tonks asked, grinning devilishly.

"Because you drive me wild with lust," Remus said, and Tonks felt his heart beating faster through his robes. His hands had already started moving…

"Okay, I believe you." She pressed her body closer to his and they turned and Apparated to Blue Cottage together.


End file.
